I know for a lot of people the subject of pre-nuptial agreements is a no-no, they sound unnecessary and unromantic. It’s about sadness, and bitterness, and about planning for everything to fail. I am for the pre-nuptial agreement however. I’ve been married before and divorced and in the midst of all the bitterness and the battle, I did a lot of things I never thought I would have in the fight. When I married previously I had no plans for divorcing later, but it happens. My thought is overall that they help marriages nip some arguments in the bud, which ultimately allows them to be more romantic and long-lasting.
Fairly early after we got engaged, I asked Mr. S if he wanted one. I have seen his will and it’s very protective of supporting his sons if something happens to him. I’m the same way, if something happens to me; I want my daughters to be taken care of in the event that something happens to me. He at first told me no, he wasn’t worried about it, we had a general agreement that what we came into the marriage with, we’d come out of it with. His tax guy is also a lawyer, so when he had his taxes done this year, I think he kind of pushed him to go ahead and get one. We’ve decided we’re going to have one. It’s pretty vague, just basically says that the properties and vehicles we owned when we came into the marriage would be ours free and clear if we divorced and our accounts (bank, retirement, etc) would be our own. For now the plan is to continue to keep finances separate, bills, etc so this shouldn’t pose too much of a problem. I know most couples combine this stuff once they’re married, but for us and our kids, this seems to make the mot sense. Also, I don’t know if I could give that up again, I lost so much when I let my ex have control. I had issues with him being associated with my bank accounts long after we had separated, and I just don’t want to go through that again.
In my view, they're not just about planning for divorce, and they're not just for people with assets. They're for everyone, and I think they can be an important tool in planning for your marriage (and not, as mainstream media has publicized in planning for divorce).
For starters, a pre-nup can define how you're going to handle your finances in general. This is, as everyone knows, the most likely cause of future fights. If you make an agreement about how you're going to handle your finances that you both think is fair now, it saves fighting down the line (especially if one of you comes into some money). For example, a pre-nup can specify that you'll both have your own separate accounts and will deposit a certain amount of money into a joint account, or split bills. It can specify what joint account money gets used for. It can specify the conditions under which either one of you will be allowed to put joint money into the stock market. It can even specify if one of you is going to be more responsible for making financial decisions and the other is on an "allowance."
But even beyond that, it can lay out your joint expectations for the future. It can discuss chores, how you handle arguments, whether you want kids (and how you'll raise them), and what to do if one of you feels like they DO want a divorce (ie, requirements like you'd have to spend at least six months in counseling before making a decision).
Essentially, it's taking all of the discussions you've had prior to your marriage and puts them into a document that you can later refer to (at least I HOPE you’ve had all of these discussions by now if you’re getting married). It's getting all the planning you can out of the way for your life together, so you don't have to fight through it later - and if you both decide to change things in it (changes happens!), you create something called a post-nuptial agreement.
Although a pre-nup can be hard to swallow, if parties are bringing very different assets/debts into the marriage, and your state laws are different than your preferences, I think it can be a good tool. I think no matter how much you love someone, divorce can bring out the worst in people, and you have to be prepared.
A lot of young couples still make a will, even though they don't plan on dying anytime soon. A pre-nup can be a similarly un-"fun" thing to sort through, but can really protect you in the event of things going majorly wrong.
I just see is as a planning tool, and I guess I'm more pragmatic than some because I think it's pretty naive to assume a divorce isn't possible. In my situation, I feel strongly that a divorce isn't probable, but anything is possible, and I don't think it's a bad idea to have a safety net just in case. You never know, as I have been through.
It's basically the same as a health care directive -- I know that there's a possibility I could get hit by a bus and not be able to make my own decisions about medical care, so I'm going to spell them out clearly while I can. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking both ways before crossing the street, or that I'm going to go dance around in the middle of a freeway. Or think of it as an insurance policy, for that matter -- just because I know that my home is insured, doesn't mean I'm going to leave the stove on 24/7 because I'd be covered if something caught on fire. None of these documents are a license to be stupid, or to not take care of yourself or your marriage, they're just ways to identify your intentions on a subject in advance even if you never need to use them.
What are your thoughts about a pre-nup?
Little Miss S like it :)
(She couldn't figure out why we didn't use the big sticker on the stamps - but was happy that when we were all done she got to keep them to decorate her papers)
